It has been a long time now…
A long time wondering why I have to go through these spells of complex emotions, these phases that I haven’t quite managed to understand!
Here seated comfortably with my folks surrounding me, dining like lords, being able to go wherever and do whatever… isn’t this freedom? Yet, why is it that something seems incomplete? As if I have everything but not ‘the’ one thing that is vital for true happiness?
Then there’s the other side to the story…
A thousand miles away from where I grew up, away from the only people I had ever loved, away from the riches, comforts, everything that I grew up taking for granted.
It would be wrong to deny that my new home lacks everything. There are severe constraints on basic necessities… permissions, submissions et al but another folly would be to overlook what it does give someone like me…
There was indeed a time when I was a spoiled brat (infact still am!) but things are different now. A strange sense of freedom fills me deep down inside, the kind of mobility that 17 long years could not instill… these past two years have.
In the course of the most mundane circumstances… I get exposed to some distinct times that send the adrenalin rushing… giving me the most exhilarating high I could have ever imagined. Am I getting addicted? Yes, it is an inseparable part of my existence now!
Then come the matters of the heart! Hmm… I thought, rather used to consider myself incapable of loving anyone other than my folks… then I realized it was possible to have different ‘types n categories’… then there came a time I decided to do away with the complexities of fragmentation for I was indeed capable.
Missing something, someone, some moment… is this really me? I who try desperately to live in the present, remembering the past every now and then, yes, but moving on to what is in hand?
Yeah, it is me. I can say that with a smile on my face now rather than frown thinking of what’s going on.
The seasons have changed… and so have I. Aaah!! It feels nice you know… to be able to fly when people around are sulking of ‘burdensome’ lives, when the sun’s sudden decision to shine brighter makes others go dull… when I feel the strength inside of being able to take each day as it comes knowing that there are people… by my side and in my heart … to see me through it all.
There are a thousand reasons to love life… and of course a thousand to not.
