City of Dreams

This city always cheers me up. It makes me feel loved and cherished and free and strong, strong enough to do anything. N it always gives me people I can fall back on or expect to lend me a shoulder during hard times. I love the other city too but this is the one I call my own.

P.S. Cuckoo bird, Garfield and Kumbhu baby, the other city is whichever one we can be together in

N you're gone

Someone’s stolen you away from me. I’ve lost ya forever and whether I like it or not, thats how things stand. I admit I wanted a change but that didn’t mean I’d give you away or let go, right?

For what its worth, they’ve been after me since ages to change ya. But that didn’t matter, did it? We were happy together. So what if I couldn’t hear you sometimes or your friends from the box had long left? N one can’t say you got lonely either, for I hardly ever let ya out of sight or earshot.

So, it could only mean one of two things. Either you wanted a change (which is just crazy!) or you decided to spread the happiness to someone else.

Either way, there’s only one thing that can be done – give in to their demands and get a new one!

Adieu my precious...

Stress busters

Talking helps
So does walking
Add to that smiling, laughing and flying
N you're back to how things were at the start... Childlike happiness.

When life stood still...

I wore a crown
Wasn’t afraid to drown
I flew alone
Feeling I could face a cyclone
One day I fell
Couldn’t even tell
Life stood still
I’d fallen ill
I lived alone
So weak, could have been blown
Cuckoo bird sang in my ear
Garfield bought me a pear
Kumbhu couldn’t come in
Blew kisses and said amen
Moon face sat besides me
Banana bringer sang a lullaby
Baby spring whispered at night
Its older version disappeared from sight
I felt loved and happy
Why does being well sometimes feel crappy?

All I want

All I want is to sleep after a hot bath on a full tummy

All I want is to soak in the sun while staring into empty space post lunch

All I want is to hear voices of loved ones

All I want is that rabbit remains at the store

All I want is to walk when I desire

I’m not thinking of flying just yet

P.S. I'm a liar. I want so much more but for starters this'll do :p

Pug? Birds? Naah..... Rabbit!

I’m innocent. All I wanted was a pug... to follow me everywhere once I was back, to look at me with its screwed up little face, innocent eyes... loving eyes. But people told me I couldn’t act so selfish. I couldn’t deprive it of potential company and love and care. So I was forced to act in consideration of a creature I hadn’t even set eyes upon.

Loved ones can sense your disappointment. I soon found myself flooded with suggestions. Cuckoo bird with with her term wise solutions, Garfield with his kitten, Kumbhu baby with his parrot in a cage, blue eyed sweetheart with love birds ;) then cuckoo bird with love birds without a cage :o spring 1 with ducks :o :o someone with piglets but then spring 2 has already got me one ;) spring 1 with tortoise (spring 1 come on!!!) blue eyed sweetheart’s sweetheart reminded me of PETA (thank you!), dramatic lotus with gunea pigs (ppl size does matter!!). Finally came the most far fetched suggestion.

Kumbhu baby: ‘how about a rabbit??? Soft to touch, pink upraised ears, it’ll hop around you, follow you everywhere, sit with you on a table with a carrot in hand and chew. It is also accustomed to living in a cage without much company. You’ll be all it needs, apart from carrots of course.’

It sounded ridiculous then n it sounds ridiculous now. But then you haven’t seen this rabbit I set eyes upon. It wasn’t a baby rabbit. It looked older, wiser. N when it looked at me, I thought I could take it home. I visited the store every day. I smiled, I laughed. It hopped around me nibbling on the carrots I took along. For those moments, I forgot we were at a pet store with people around. Potential buyers eyed us with envy. But we were in our own world. For those moments, I was happy.. ecstatic.. I was at home. When not there, I would invariably end up thinking I should perhaps get it.

You know how these decisions are. Kinda irrevocable. If you can act with consideration towards an unknown creature, how could you not think about one you’ d grown so attached to? Would I not change my mind in future? Did I really need it?Could I really need it?

Doubts vanished everytime I walked into the store and I decided to let it remain that way. Blissful it was, but unless I made up my mind, it was also transitory. Not that I didn’t realise so at the start. That day, as I walked in with the usual carrot in hand, I saw it nibbling on another carrot, someone else’s carrot.

Its not sold yet but there are other carrots in its cage now. Who brings these? I ask myself. I haven’t seen them. I don’t know what this means. I know what it might mean though. What I also know is that each time I walk into the store, it comes hopping towards me as if nothings changed. Perhaps it hasn't. For those moments I'm happy... ecstatic... at home again. Only that now I suddenly want it more than ever.. like crazy bad!

Or do I?

I’m innocent Kumbhu baby. You suggested I get a rabbit. Now i’m addicted to the notion..

Lifeline (continued)

Or fight with them on tough days, when you've run out of activity and need something to distract ya ;) ? Only that in this case, gadgets cant help reconcile! Sometimes you wish they were physically present by your side, so all you had to do was to hug em tight and apologise!

Sigh! Cant I keep my new life and preserve the best of the past as well?
Hmmm... I'm sure there's a way out!

Lifeline

Being brought up in a close knit family can have its advantages (read loads of love and affection). However, it also has its share of pitfalls. The pitfalls don’t appear as grave when you live first in a hostel with 150 plus students and then in a residential university with 5,000 plus students and freedom to roam as and where and when you please. The pitfalls, unfortunately, loom large as you set out on your own.

It is at times like these – when you cook, eat, work and sleep, that you begin to feel a missing something (read company). Times like these make you realise the importance of gadgets, in short your virtual lifeline.

What would life be like if you couldn’t talk to loved ones on your way back from work? have someone scream ‘welcome home’ when you entered an empty house? guide you when the pressure cooker started shaking with pressure on the gas burner? ask you how the food tastes, rather whether it got burnt :p? sometimes when you cant get sleep, sing lullabies (well almost ;))? and wake you up on days you wouldn’t have made it on time otherwise? N what about the bad days, when none of this happens, a movie on the laptop to cheer ya up? Or photos n videos to reminisce the times that were?

Thanks guys! Couldn’t have made it past a single day without ya’ll.

Stand by me... forever!!

Telecom glitches...

Talking of conferences (I’ve spent 6 of my last 9 working days attending em!), I’ve been to several across sectors and never once have I had to think twice before using my phone. Today, however, was a landmark in the history of conf experiences.

After making a late entry, also a dramatic one since I had to keep standing for a few moments before I could spot a vacant seat (read inspired by the lady in red, blue and gold), I was finally ushered to a place in the middle of a colleague from work and a Mr Raja from a telecom company.

The technical jargon intensified, coupled with the lengthy reading material my supervisor had pushed into my hands so as to be read during the conference, I slipped into a day dreaming spell. After stifling a few yawns, courtesy my disturbed sleep habits, I decided to refresh myself. Enter my dear phone and its free messaging service. Luckily, my friends in the room were also in a similar situation. Happily, we texted our way past a session.

After an eventful tea session (thats another post), it was absolutely imperative to share things with a few close friends! Hmmm... strangely something went wrong with the network and every msg had to be sent twice, if not more times, to ensure delivery. Now agreed that I was receiving delivery reports and replies every few seconds, butttt my phone was on silent!!!! After about 15 minutes into the telecom glitch, Mr Raja from telecom decided to make his presence felt. “Excuse me, madam” as he bent towards my direction (btw we were sitting at full arm distance), “you seem to be quite busy msgn, its distracting me” :O :O

Aghast, I didn’t know what to say to him. Had received a particularly vicious msg from someone and was dying to retort, but even after trying to resend it eight times, it refused to budge. The network had given up on the venue! So had I!

Mr Raja from telecom, tell me, were you unhappy that day???

N I'm back!

I wasn't sure if I'll come back anytime soon... but you knew all along didn't ya ;)

Cheers!

Color Palette

As I sat in this crowded ball room housing a gas conference, I was surrounded by a sea of black n whites, the occasional blue and greys. Corporate clothing coupled with the technical jargon of speakers can be an ideal lullaby most would say. However, a few minutes past noon, a mere two hours late, entered a whiff of fresh air.

The lady, dressed in a bright red n blue saree with gold patterns, matching gold bangles and a not so matching yet equally bright silver bag, smelt strongly of strong perfume. Instantly, sleep was a thing of the past. As she sat next to me, I smirked, assured in my blacks. ‘Where did she think she was coming????’

I ignored her for a major part of the day until after lunch, when we finally struck up a conversation. Manager of a leading company, she was humble, patient enough to answer my sometimes really silly questions about her company. Hell, I’ve been using her office as a landmark for over a decade now and didn’t even know they were a manufacturing company! N still, it was me who smirked. The lady was surely a lot more than the color palette I had initially classified her as.

Its amazing how quickly we classify things and people. She looked to me, to use the colloquial expression, a mother of two - the kind that prepares breakfast and packs tiffins and rushes her kids off to school before donning her Sunday best and setting out to a conference representing her company. Well, in that case, listen up kiddos! You’re blessed! Mumma’s this pretty... successful... adorable sweetheart (read motherly) who people look up to.

Today, inspired, I set out in color myself ;)

Long lost post!!

You will survive…

Dear blog,
I know things haven’t been going smooth between us of late. There are issues that I have been wanting to share with you for quite sometime but somehow it’s just not worked out!

First of all… Belated happy birthday!!! Sorry I missed that out! But you’ve always understood me before… hope you’ll forgive me this time as well.

I have been quite harsh to you, in ways that have threatened your mere existence, but I do know… you will survive… survive it all!

To you… my dear eternal… my confidante of one year…
To our relationship, that’s gone beyond what I had anticipated…
To us… together… forever …
Cheers!!!

Eternal

Those days… of pain… confusion… regret… longing… hoping… believing and then simply shrugging… ‘May be that’s how it was meant to be!’

That day… of speaking… hearing… realizing what I always knew… smiles… disguised tears… relief… revival… gain

Life can be strange at times… putting you through it all only to realize… what’s yours will always remain so…

There are things that are ‘Eternal’… I knew it all along!!

To a fresh start…
To what it was, would have been and will be…

Love…love n lots more to make up for all those lost times…

Missed ya...

A thousand reasons to love… and not.

It has been a long time now…
A long time wondering why I have to go through these spells of complex emotions, these phases that I haven’t quite managed to understand!

Here seated comfortably with my folks surrounding me, dining like lords, being able to go wherever and do whatever… isn’t this freedom? Yet, why is it that something seems incomplete? As if I have everything but not ‘the’ one thing that is vital for true happiness?

Then there’s the other side to the story…
A thousand miles away from where I grew up, away from the only people I had ever loved, away from the riches, comforts, everything that I grew up taking for granted.
It would be wrong to deny that my new home lacks everything. There are severe constraints on basic necessities… permissions, submissions et al but another folly would be to overlook what it does give someone like me…

There was indeed a time when I was a spoiled brat (infact still am!) but things are different now. A strange sense of freedom fills me deep down inside, the kind of mobility that 17 long years could not instill… these past two years have.

In the course of the most mundane circumstances… I get exposed to some distinct times that send the adrenalin rushing… giving me the most exhilarating high I could have ever imagined. Am I getting addicted? Yes, it is an inseparable part of my existence now!

Then come the matters of the heart! Hmm… I thought, rather used to consider myself incapable of loving anyone other than my folks… then I realized it was possible to have different ‘types n categories’… then there came a time I decided to do away with the complexities of fragmentation for I was indeed capable.

Missing something, someone, some moment… is this really me? I who try desperately to live in the present, remembering the past every now and then, yes, but moving on to what is in hand?

Yeah, it is me. I can say that with a smile on my face now rather than frown thinking of what’s going on.

The seasons have changed… and so have I. Aaah!! It feels nice you know… to be able to fly when people around are sulking of ‘burdensome’ lives, when the sun’s sudden decision to shine brighter makes others go dull… when I feel the strength inside of being able to take each day as it comes knowing that there are people… by my side and in my heart … to see me through it all.

There are a thousand reasons to love life… and of course a thousand to not.

New Year's Special!!!!

Standing on the sea shore ... with the sand slipping beneath my feet... the retreating waves... the sun setting...

It's gone... the times... those moments... that feel of eternity... of life just going on n on n on..... the angry tides.. desperate tries... teary eyes... longing sighs... all past now.

It's happening again!!! No matter how hard u try to keep away from something.. it just catches up with u.. infact attaches itself like a parasite. So well decision made.. no more tryin to restrain... maybe this new year is a time for indulgence!!!!!

Met sumone... after a long time ... n it felt like heaven!!! we sat there at first chatting.. catching up on wat life's been greeting us wid... then there came the spell of silence...like a cloud above the bright sun. The time to leave was finally here... i knew it.. yet i sat agglutinated to my seat.. hopin to absorb a little more of tat sumone i had been longing to meet for so long.....
Yeah i did get up eventually... n tat look in eyes did something inexplicable to my soul!!!
There was this sumthng in my heart like forever now.... i hv said it!!!!!
N there was a reply....

Now thats wat called a fantastic new year!!!!
Wonder wat all there is in store....

Yeah i wasn't just sayin it... i mean it!!!
Love ya...

Unspoken Words...

There are times, when words come to mind
times, when the shadowy past gets left behind...

The heart aches to open up
to let lose that unspoken love,
somewhere deep down inside
something longs to hold that person tight,
to tell him, you love him all right
and that he is special in your life.
That you pray for him every now and then
and have been dreaming of this moment how and when.

You long to tell him how much it hurts,
how of the heart he wounds, blood splurts...
The eyes moisten, the lips quiver,
you know it's now or never...

Then out of nowhere,
the tide of memories comes rushing back,
the longing gets thrown into the sack...
and the shores of love get washed away with sand..

Amid the two shores,
the sea of life passes...
The love always supressed,
while the rage remains undressed...

Then finally, there comes a time...
The moment that can't be changed by any dime...
You stand alone, trying to hold onto the slippery sand,
grieving the loss of that loving hand...

The soul weeps,
the pain heaps,
the eyes moisten,
the lips quiver,
you finally realise... it won't be ever!

There are times when unspoken words haunt the mind...
times, when painful regret becomes hard to leave behind.

Yes, there are such times...

Love you forever...

Rememberance

When slumber becomes alien to the eyes…
When the mind wanders all the time…
When no joy seems enough to bring back that smile…
I sit quietly… watching the memories pile.

I sit with that longing look in my eyes…
That hope that never dies.
I sit longing for your first sight,
My gaze locked… even at night.

It’s your thoughts that flood my dawn…
And the sound of your voce that penetrates through all those city horns…
When the worldly sorrows begin to pile,
It’s the mention of your name that brings back that smile.

Your absence haunts the mind…
While the heart longs to rewind
Those days that could have been a lot better…
Just wish our moments together could last forever…

Retreat...

Life... well it's been so pacey lately that the mere attempt to catch up with it leaves me breathless.

There are moments... moments like these when i take a step back, allowing myself to lag behind further... to stop being on the stage of life.. to take a seat & rewind the story... the story that's life to me...
______________________________________________________

Six days... an incomplete week for some, but for me it seems more wholesome than several months of my life. To say that i've been humbled, touched, gratified, ecstatic... all seem inadequate... Its more like being numb... with an overdose of emotions. There has been so much to say to so many... amazingly one always falls short of words when they are needed the most!

Meanwhile I've had a joyous reunion with my long lost love.i wud have thought that things wud be slightly rusty after our eight month long seperation... but the high it gives me remains at its consistent best. Together we've struck again!!!

The term's coming to an end...a week off n then it gets mean again... back 2 back tests, activities & onerous tasks.

But then quoting a gentlemen i met recently
'Everything a cow produces is not milk!' ;)

Sure enough, the term will have it's share of smiles, frowns & everything human by the time it ends...

Thank u god for making life what it means to me... a rainbow of colours.

An update on life...

Time's runnin out so this one will have to be quick....
my results r finally out n so i m bac to the place i've been callin home for over a year nowi m in a single room this year... so the brooming can't be expected of others!!! as a result i've been borrowin it every alternate day! (mom r u smilin there??? ;) )classes r hectic as usual.. the work load too taxing. who in d whole world studies in the first term???? but classes have been suspended for the week as a punishment... all this coz we havent been revising!!!!!!ahhhh! i m a senior this year n boy m i enjoyin it or wat???????? gr8 feelin... well worth the exam pressure........;)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i have been fightin lizards n spiders n wat not lately!!!! lifes changin .... beyond recognition
Meanwhile strange things r happening... nomad's not feelin nomadic.. rather lets just say.... there is a strange attachment thats developed for this pit sop... can't think of movin just yet.

Are things changing a bit too much???

Is this still me???

Reflections...

Have you ever felt as though you have run out of words? That there are a million thoughts in your mind and yet when you sit down to talk them out, you find yourself searching for what to say? That you would love to talk to someone right now but can’t figure out a single sentence that makes sense? That you want to let out a wail of anguish and yet when you open your mouth speech deserts you?

I had read of such states of mind… when one loses his senses… and allows the sands of time to take control… to guide him across what seems like an endless desert of gloom… a desert that is characterized by torturous days and the darkest of dark nights… with no oasis in sight…

And then… the winds of change take charge… is that a smile that just crossed your face?
You wake up jubilant… there is a spring in each stride… suddenly the world expands… there are people you want to meet …there comes to mind an endless tale that you want to narrate… there standing under the sun… you feel blessed… blessed with the gift of life.

Have you ever felt the tension of the opposites, one pulling you towards happiness and the other trying to push you into an abyss of never ending darkness? Have you ever felt the burden of … choosing the ‘path’?


It had been a while since I updated this one. Its not that ‘words had deserted’ me… just that I would write a piece and leave it… the watch would tick away… and I would find myself coming back to start afresh.
Thanks P for making me realize that this is something I do not wish to abandon. I will try and update this one every now and then. So long…